XVIII

The next week Eric and I rented movies every night and watched them at my house. Relations were still a bit strained between us, and I didn’t even dare ask how things were between He and Adam. He didn’t volunteer the information, and the obvious questions hung in the air like heavy purple smoke in a dimly lit café. On the third movie night in a row, just after Susan Sarandon told Kevin Costner that she wanted him, I paused the movie and turned on the light. Enough was enough.
“Alright, we both know that we’re avoiding the topic. I don’t even need to say what the topic is, because you know what I’m talking about.” He didn’t say anything. “I can’t do this. Eric, we should have never started this whole thing. I can’t get in between you and Adam this way. How does he feel about all this?”
“He doesn’t know.”
“What do you mean he doesn’t know?”
“We had it out pretty bad. Betrayal of trust and all that, and we decided that neither of us would see you anymore.”
“Oh?” I was suddenly offended that I hadn’t been included in this discussion.
“Oh, don’t give me that Janie. You know it wasn’t us trying to talk behind your back, but we needed to work something out.”
“You’re still fucking here.”
“That’s true. I’m breaking the rules.”
“That’s a big risk Eric.”
“I know. I’m a risk-taker.”
“I don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”
“Oh, come on. The three of us are troopers. We can get through it.”
“What is it, Eric? Another round of cheating on each other with each other and lying and hiding? I can’t get through that again. There has to be another way. If there isn’t, then you’re right- I can’t see either of you anymore. At all.”
The next evening the three of us met at their place. The look on Adam’s face when I walked in the door was a mix of hurt, frustration, and dare I say a little bit of affection. My face, I’m certain, bore only confusion. I’m not sure exactly what I’d planned to accomplish with the informal/formal gathering of our strange little threesome, and if I did, I forgot when I met both of their eyes.
I nearly turned and ran, but despite my urge to rid myself of the awkward situation, my feet seemed glued to the floor. After a few deep breaths, I walked softly to the most neutral space in the room, a small hassock near the coffee table, and sat myself. I felt like I was on review. Two sets of peering eyes were fixed on me. I felt like I should have made index cards. I didn’t, so I gave it my best shot on the fly.
“I think we all know why we’re here.” That was all I had. I waited for a response. Nothing, just two blank stares. I took a deep breath. “Okay… I know why we’re here. Anyone else have a guess?” I tried to muster a chuckle, but the nervous laughter barely escaped. “Guys this is tough for me.”
“Do you think it’s easy for us?” Adam spoke up. I was surprised.
“Hey, take it easy,” Eric said, jumping to my defense.
“I thought we decided that neither of us were going to see Jane at all anymore.”
“Yes,” I began, “about that. I’m curious as to why I didn’t have any say in that.”
“And I’m curious as to why you fucked my best friend behind my back.”
“Behind your back?” I looked at Adam incredulously. “Last I checked you had very pointedly kicked me to the curb at that point. There was no ‘behind your back.’”
“Regardless,” Eric piped in, “There are codes, and we broke them. We know that. The question is, what do we do now?”
“And I thought we already answered that question.” Adam was being as stubborn as ever.
“Are you okay with that?” I stared at Adam penetratingly. He wasn’t, that was clear. “So now, the question was, what do we do now?”
“Well you’re the one bitching about not having a say, what do you think. You’re kind of in a position of power… whether we like it or not.”
“Adam, that’s not why I’m here. I still love you.” Eric stifled a sharp breath. “And I love Eric. I don’t know how to reconcile that any better than you do. It’s a different kind of love for each of you, but I’m not going to try and qualify either of them for some sort of pissing contest.”
There was a whole lot of silence then, and I felt frozen in time and space, unable to move. I wanted to find a seat, ease the tension a bit, but it was as though the air all around me was a force field keeping me from even breathing to deeply.
“So what now?” It was Eric who had the courage to speak first. It seemed easier then to have been the one posing the question. I certainly didn’t have an answer. The three of us looked at each other at a loss. What did we do now?
“Well clearly me not seeing either of you is not a workable solution. Not for any of us. I guess for now we just have to be what we are and see what happens.”
“That’s it?” Adam hadn’t said anything all night and now he seemed frustrated and angry. “We see what happens? That’s your solution?”
“I suppose you have a better one,” I snapped. He didn’t. I didn’t. Eric didn’t. What else could we do?
Over the next couple of days the three of us spent more time together. It was awkward, uncomfortable, and more tense than anything I’d ever experienced in my life, but it got easier each day. The first night we went to dinner, and the small booth that we got at the diner around the corner seemed unable to accommodate our bizarre love triangle. The meal was slow and painful and I was unable to eat more than a few bites of my French fries and sipped slowly at my milkshake while they both stared at me, barely looking at their own meals from across the table. Finally we admitted defeat and asked our waitress for the check. She looked at our untouched plates oddly, but didn’t seem to think it appropriate to question us.
So we paid for the meal we didn’t eat, and set out for the video store, thinking that perhaps we’d be more comfortable in an environment of our own. None of us said this out loud, of course, but it’s what I was thinking, and seemed to be the pervading attitude of the group. Despite our best intentions, the entire evening continued the same way as the uneaten meal. Uneaten popcorn, a movie that none of us paid any attention to. I thought I got it, but years later watched it again, and there were characters I hadn’t even noticed that were integral to the plot.
I went home early that first night thinking that this entire scheme of ours to “be here now” was never going to work. We’d broken each others hearts too much to go back now, and we might as well throw in the towel. I didn’t know how to say all this, but I knew that it had to be said.
Those were my intentions anyway, but the next evening when Eric and Adam came over with take-out from my favorite Chinese place, I lost all my nerve. I saw both of them and felt luckier than anyone in the world to feel the love that I had for them both and have it returned. Some people never fall in love, and here I had it twice. Granted, it was simultaneous, but we can’t ask the wish fairy for everything.
In addition to the food, they each brought two bundles of flowers, one for me and one for Carrie. She had been doing much better, but still brightened at the sentiment.
“I think you should keep these ones,” she said playfully, easing the heaviness of the moment.
“Oh don’t worry,” Adam piped up, “we’re not going anywhere.” And I don’t know how our little situation was going to work out, but somehow right then it just worked.
We watched Casablanca on our new DVD player, and I don’t know if Adam felt the same way, but it was a sort of rebirth for me. In terms of the relationship, I mean, it felt like a full circle. I had never felt more comfortable being a third wheel.